The Paradox of Obsession Hear Out this Wordy Birdy Contrary Mary
I've just read Perfume by Patrick Süskind which I found to be wildly compelling with fantastically unique and indulgent prose. (Fun fact: Kurt Cobain wrote Scentless Apprentice about Perfume). The Vegetarian by Han Kang also had me completely hooked. It is a truly fascinating read and well worthy of all hype. I did not expect the story to take the turn it did: the last third was an extremely difficult read. Never mind sex, drugs and rock’n’roll; think sexual control, plants and saviour complexes. I would love to discuss this book with more people! Given that 'obsession' seems to be everywhere right now and I've been chewing over the theme for a month or so, I wrote up my thoughts to try and make some sense of them. Please bear with the seemingly abstract introduction. I watched a lot of The Simpsons as a child and my favourite thing about it is how the first scene almost never goes into the main plot! I promise there's a point to it!
Lost your Duolingo streak? Good. I’ve completed it in French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese and Japanese. I was obsessed with it in my twenties. I cannot speak Japanese. Not a single sentence. Completion does not equate to competence. You can never ever complete language learning because it is infinite. This is why I always refer to myself as a learner first, not a teacher. Incidentally, it’s also why the phrase ‘are you fluent?’ is rather annoying when the person asking has no real concept of what language learning entails. My first and last master yoga teacher introduces himself as a student. He is proud to share that he cleans his own teacher’s toilet every day to remind himself that he is above no one, and nothing is ever completed, including his yoga practice. It is a way of life, not a package of lessons to sell. I think of him often when I get stressed about, well, anything, but mostly deadlines and to-do lists. They are never-ending, so there is no point worrying. It applies to many areas of life. Language learning never ends, you cannot ever ‘complete’ it and if you gamify it too much, your reward is shiny yet superficial i.e. an illusion of progress. Otherwise, we’d all be having native-level conversations with locals when travelling rather than accidentally declaring that we’re horny and pregnant instead of hot and embarrassed[^1].
If you or your child were ever sent home with a list of foreign words or phrases to learn by heart for a vocabulary test, I apologise. It is about as useless as learning to count to ten numerically and then not being able to recall ‘seven’ on request. Pedagogical research regarding the best method of foreign language acquisition is inconclusive. However, it is widely recognised that as much as repeated exposure can work, meaningful context and emotional connection to words significantly improve retention and internalisation rates. Even the most committed empath cannot emotionally attach themselves to every word (and trust me, I’ve tried) but we can learn words in logical groups. Context is key, and what gives more context than an opposite? If you know the word ‘good’ in a foreign language, that’s exactly what is it: good, not great. A great strategy would be to be able to recognise and produce ‘good’, ‘goods’, ‘goodness’, ‘well’, ‘better’, ‘best’ and so on. An excellent one would also include ‘bad’. If a learner is fed up with rote learning and vocabulary is just not sticking, I also suggest working in opposites, derivatives and synonyms where appropriate.
To fully understand the meaning of any term or concept, we need to explore its antitheses. This is harder than it may seem because most opposites are illusory; true opposites are the exception to the rule which perhaps explains the ‘opposites attract’ myth in relationships. Most words are gradable (on a scale), relational (relying on other words for their meaning) and dependent on context. Consider chiaroscuro being used by artists to add depth and realism to paintings. Light and shade work as a pair but they are not direct opposites, they are complementary.
For ‘obsession’, the most obvious opposites might be ‘indifference’ and ‘ambivalence’ which bring out the intensity and fixation in ‘obsession’. Similarly, ‘apathy’, ‘detachment’ and ‘disinterest’ might contrast well with ideas of compulsion or hyper-engagement. As someone with a relatively addictive personality, I struggle to see a significant difference between these two groups. However, if we view obsession through the lens of ‘moderation’ and ‘balance’, its meaning shifts quite considerably to something like ‘lack of restraint or proportion’.
This last definition interests me most. Over the years, I’ve seen quite a few people become so obsessed with wellness and achieving the perfect life balance that they have made themselves distinctly unwell. Marika Hackman’s song No Caffeine touches on this notion somewhat. It was written about her anxiety-reducing routine (avoiding coffee, having an early night, having nice sex, calling her mother … hopefully not simultaneously). However, I do wonder if she is also alluding to the fact that her most dangerous obsession is, in fact, trying not to obsess over anything at all.
Balance takes effort. To even come close to achieving everything modern society suggests we should, I ask myself whether obsession is, in fact, necessary. It is completely unnatural to strive for a perfect balance in life. No one can consistently eat the perfect diet during every life stage, have perpetually stable mental health, always partake in optimal exercise, by day work like a robot on NZT-48 but by night completely switch off (unless ‘severed’), practise mindfulness, avoid stress, evade PFAs, etc., etc. This requires more than planning, effort and a 5am alarm clock: it necessitates an obsession. Attempting to not obsess can and often will become an obsession in itself, and a very dangerous one at that.
The commodification of life itself has a lot to answer for. Much of what used to be free or cheap is being packaged up and sold back to us with ‘obsession’ tax tagged on: health, fitness, nutrition, water, knowledge, sleep, rest, time, nature, connection, joy, freedom, love…! There are countless products, apps and subscriptions that turn everything into a transaction. This is all about wellness and balance, so it makes no sense to state that ‘obsession’ is part of this. Wrong! Obsession is being sold back to us indirectly in the form of its opposite: moderation and balance. What is really on sale here isn’t wellness at all. It is dependency, anxiety, and the illusion of progress. The belief that if we optimise ourselves, we’ll get there eventually is wonderful for sales as the consumer is trapped in a cycle where the cost of simply living is never paid off.
If we are being told that we should not obsess anymore unless we’re obsessing over obsession’s opposite which is, in turn, a lucrative obsession of its own then I, for one, will be leaning into my obsessive personality trait and turning the best obsessive thoughts into positive actions, none of which involve wearables, bottled water, biohacking needles or an irritating green bird.
Answers on a postcard-shaped reply. No perfume.
[^1]Estoy embarazado/a: I’m pregnant. Tengo vergüenza: I’m embarrassed. Tengo vergüenza haber dicho que estaba embarazada: I’m embarrassed to have said I was pregnant.